3PM's football funnies: The biggest trouser snake, Kieran Gibbs' hedgehog and porkers for lovers
By:Steve Anglesey
PLUS: The dullest lads in the Premier League; Rafa Benitez omen; worst merchandise; football gaffes and dreams
Huge talent
Clarence Seedorf won instant respect as a BBC pundit at the World Cup and Euros and the Dutchman is doing similar in Brazil, where he now plays for Botafogo.
But at 36, why do team-mates find him, according to Globo newspaper, “intimidating” in the dressing room? Is it his workrate, his tackling, his mere presence?
No, says an insider – it’s that he has “a massive anaconda in his shorts”. Does this explain Lineker and Hansen’s rare show of deference?
Kieran Gibbs' hedgehog
Please give your support to Stars On Canvas, a charity auction supporting Bob Wilson’s Willow Foundation, which offers the chance to bid for artwork created by celebrities.
But what to buy? Will it be this evocative pencil sketch by Robbie Coltrane?
Bid online at starsoncanvas.org.uk before the closing date of December 2…
Rafa omen
Not everyone is convinced as the new Chelsea manager that he will be at Stamford Bridge for years to come.
The nearby Premier Inn Kensington hotel has renamed its best room ‘The Rafa Benitez Suite – Perfect For Short Stays’.
Mourinho snub
It doesn’t take much to upset Jose Mourinho but happily Uefa appear to have done it in style by spoiling his 100th European game.
The Special One was expecting to be invited out on to the Etihad pitch before kick-off last Wednesday to receive a special plaque given to all managers who reach a Euro century, but it didn’t happen.
Mourinho was fuming until Uefa explained Jose would have to wait one game longer because of his suspension against Barcelona last season.
That represents a kind of victory for the Real boss – he has served five other Uefa bans and might have had to wait until next season to receive his award had they been enforced.
Pillow talk
News that Kolo Toure convinced his mistress that he worked in a car dealership – “around the time he got married he called and said he was back in Africa and had just sold two cars,” she revealed – brings back memories of the great Dwight Yorke in his pomp.
During his spell at Aston Villa, the striker made one conquest believe he was a local postman named Brian. She said of their trip to a nightclub: "People were coming past and saying 'hello' to him and he said it was because he delivered their letters. I believed him. He seemed a lovely bloke."
WICKED WHISTLE 1
Which high-profile star is having a not-too-secret affair with his PA? Says a team-mate: “You’ve never heard so many dressing room jokes about ‘dictation’”.
Let's talk about socks, baby
A few years back, Jermaine Jenas appeared to have cornered the market in unfunny football banter when he revealed: “When I went back to Nottingham they had started a tram service around the city. My mates and I thought it would be a bit of a laugh just to jump on a tram and see what happened."
One suspects the tram went to the next stop, but now Aston Villa’s Barry Bannan has set new levels for hilarity by telling his club website: “I always think it's a good sign if you can have good fun and good banter together.
“Only this week, we came in from a good workout to find all our clothes chucked over the floor. Someone had gone in and taken all our stuff off the pegs and from inside the lockers and just launched them together in a pile. It took us ages to sort out socks from pants from jeans from tops. But we were all howling with laughter.”
You want it...
Our search for football tat goes on and there's good news for Fulham supporters looking for that ideal Christmas gift. Unaccountably, the club shop has yet to sell out of these lovely T-shirts...
Sight for Suar eyes
When sportswear firm Warrior signed a £150m kit deal with Liverpool in January, general manager Richard Wright said: “We are not the sort of brand that is going to keep our head down.”
It appears not as the Boston-based firm are now targeting a poster boy for a multi-million pound advertising campaign and have settled on the non-divisive figure of… Luis Suarez.
Warrior are also lining up deals with Vincent Kompany, Micah Richards and Tom Huddlestone.
WICKED WHISTLE 2
Which TV pundit who joined the Movember rash of campaigns for charity has been asked by his bosses to shave off his beard – for no other reason than frightening younger viewers with excess facial hair?
FOOTBALL GAFFES
“And here goes Aguero, looking to relieve himself” – MIKE INGHAM
"Ronnie Moran had us as young boys, religiously” – PHIL THOMPSON
“Santi Cazorla is two-footed” – GRAEME LE SAUX
“Samuel Eto’o is reputedly the highest-paid player in the world at £350,000 per week – that’s £5,000 a day” – CLIVE TYLDESLEY
Heard a gaffe? Tweet to #FootballGaffes or email steve.anglesey@trinitymirror.com
Exclusive!!
Most bizarre press release of the week has to be the one from QPR headed ‘Exclusive – Redknapp Appointed’.
It arrived at 11.08am on Saturday morning – only 20 hours after the traffic news of Harry joining Rangers first broke!
FOOTBALL DREAMS
We’re collecting your weird dreams about footballers – if you’ve had one, Tweet to #FootballDreams or email steve.anglesey@trinitymirror.com
From @weesbarton: “Once dreamt Patrick Kluivert lived behind our sofa for two weeks. Then he left ‘cos no-one had noticed him.”
From @droomb: “Dwight Yorke followed me through a forest, carrying a chainsaw above his head.”
From @semtex_elvis: “Playing in goal for old school Wimbledon, I was desperately trying to get sent off because I needed the toilet.”
From @PimlicoBill: “I lined up to take a penalty but had to burrow through an elephant to get to the ball.”
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